Yes, we've all heard of the saint (usually a woman) married to a villain (usually a man) or a hopeless case (usually a man).
We also know about the moderately dysfunctional parent, married to the extremely dysfunctional spouse, and because the extremely dysfunctional spouse is even worse than the moderately dysfunctional spouse, the moderately dysfunctional spouse sees herself as the victim and him as the abuser, and...while willing to ask advice from every resource possible, she actually does little to nothing to act on the advice or to improve herself in any way.
(She'll often express anguish over her children and may even express anguish over her own dysfunctional behavior — without ever doing anything to actually change her parenting behavior.)
Instead, I'm talking about a parent who went into to marriage and parenting with ideals and goals for themselves as a spouse and parent — and not only did not fear the hard middot work involved, but looked forward to it, sure they could succeed.
However...
(I'm going to use the wife as the example because, being a woman myself, that's who I hear from the most. But we've all definitely seen men suffering in this exact same dynamic.)
...they end up with a spouse so difficult, they consistently find themselves in overwhelming situations with little to no respite.
Due to the spouse's distressing & sabotaging behavior, she ends up dealing with some form of constant PTSD (which keeps being reinforced by her spouse's behavior) while she herself sometimes feels terribly sleep-deprived, nauseous, extremely weak, extremely overwhelmed, or lying in bed sick with the flu, or recovering from surgery.
She also sometimes struggles with physical pain from birth, her monthly cycle, kidney stones, migraines, a sprained joint, or the physical pain.
Despite any or all of this, she is nonetheless expected to be a perfectly loving, nurturing, organized, patient, and otherwise functional mother.
Unbelievably, despite everything against her, this type actually does TRY.
Note: Trying and suffering feel the same, but aren't the same.
Because both trying and suffering cause emotional pain, people who suffer — without even trying to leave their comfort zone or improve in some way (even a miniscule way) — will always insist they're trying and trying VERY hard — but really, they aren't. (Though there is still great benefit and atonement in suffering. But they aren't actually trying, just suffering.)
So this post only refers to the kind of person who ACTUALLY TRIES, not just suffers.
For more on that topic, please see: what-it-mean-to-try-why-people-confuse-suffering-with-hishtadlut-and-what-to-do-about-it.html and the-false-front-of-trying-to-get-help.html.
And she'll do it more than once. She'll act on their advice for more than 10 minutes. (Okay, that was a bit sarcastic. I mean she'll actually act on their advice, not just make a half-hearted attempt.)
And she'll do it wholeheartedly, no matter how difficult, irrational, or ineffective it sounds. Even if it sounds like it might make things worse, she'll still try it.
(This applies more to younger Sincere Triers. Older Sincere Triers have already tried and been burned.)
The thing is, unless she has a naturally calm or controlled nature, she may not perform these suggestions perfectly (because, as noted, she's under constant emotional and/or physical duress).
She often takes calming herbs and vitamins or homeopathic remedies to assist her in maintaining a calmer and more energetic state. She may also make appoints for reflexology, acupuncture, one brain, and a whole host of alternative remedies to help her achieve the nature she knows she needs to parent her children through this nisayon.
(Am neither recommending nor discouraging any of this, just noting what the "trying" type does.)
Ultimately, most advisors condemn her for her mistakes, not realizing she's very well-aware she messed up, she takes responsibility for her poor behavior (i.e, recognizes she still needs to try to behavior ideally, regardless of how much her husband's behavior sabotages her), and honestly tries to consistently do the right thing.
Note: Having said that, some advisors are absolute gems with the wisdom, experience, compassion, and patience to relate to each person who turns to them as the individual they are, despite how much their situation resembles others. It's very, very difficult to see the unique aspects of each person and their situation, which is why most advisors don't manage to do it. (In other words, most advisors aren't bad people, just overwhelmed by the task or burnt out.)
Despite her efforts, she often faces major challenges with her children's response to the overall unhealthy family dynamics.
Ultimately, as her children reach young adulthood, she looks at her history and the results and feels like, "What was the point? No matter how hard I tried, I was never able to overcome my husband's dysfunctional dynamic. Despite my best efforts, I still did so many things wrong. I failed. I am a failure."
I know one frum woman who came extremely close to committing suicide because of this.
Baruch Hashem, after having planned most of it out, she realized that suicide is one of the most abusive acts (arguable the most abusive act) one can do to their child, resulting in emotional harm that's very hard for the child to ever undo.
So she dragged herself along until she recovered somewhat. A few years later, they got divorced, at which point she determined she'd never get married again, nor would she ever want to.
Contrary to her self-prediction, she later ended up happily married to a very kind man. In fact, many aspects of her life unexpectedly improved since she decided to live (however miserably) and she ended up gratified she never went through with the ugly plan.
So it's important to know that the Sincere Triers tend to be hard on themselves and very aware of when they're wrong, so they really don't need advisors or friends or chinuch "experts" (including their books and articles) or those guys who work with "at-risk teens" to criticize or berate them in any way (including with facial expressions).
These types tend to feel lonely (like a lot of people nowadays) and misunderstood (because they often were and are misjudged), but interestingly, they also have a Biblical precedent.
It's been said many times that David Hamelech (King David) went through every kind of nisayon that exists.
After all, he represents Mashiach and it's Mashiach's job to understand and to rectify every member of Am Yisrael.
And so, on David Hamelech's admittedly more exalted level, he actually endured this dynamic too.
And just as the Sincere Triers can take comfort in being represented in Tanach, they can also learn from David Hamelech's response.
The Dynamic of David Hamelech, Ma'achah, and Avshalom
He also had several wives (for the best of reasons).
Batsheva, in addition to being an excellent wife, was also an excellent mother. Her son, Shlomo Hamelech (King Solomon), praises her as the prototype of the ideal wife and mother.
But not all of David Hamelech's wives reached the level of Batsheva.
Ma'achah, for example.
Originally the daughter of King Talmai of Geshur, a non-Jewish nation, Ma'achah later converted.
But without the character on par with another covert Ruth and with no Naomi to nurture her newly Jewish soul and help her raise her children, we assume Ma'achah did her best, but produced an Avshalom — a son with many innate virtues who ultimately did not live up to his potential.
So in his relationship with Ma'achah, David Hamelech was both the better spouse and the better parent.
Despite David Hamelech's excellent parenting, Chazal notes that David Hamelech resisted chastising the son he had with Ma'achah, resulting in that son — Avshalom — ending up as he did.
First, Avshalom killed his half-brother Amnon after Amnon did something despicable.
But Avshalom didn't kill him for the reasons we assume, rather because Amnon's actions revealed how Avshalom actually had no right to the throne.
Later, in an effort to usurp the throne from his younger half-brother, Shlomo, Avshalom fomented a rebellion against David Hamelech with the intent to commit patricide, and ended up being killed himself.
That's pretty extreme.
So here we have the dynamic of a better spouse and parent unable to succeed completely in chinuch banim both due to the influence of the lesser spouse and parent, combined with the well-intended mistakes made by the better spouse/parent.
Although David Hamelech's method of untempered love and gentleness doesn't sound bad, Chazal is pretty clear that it unwittingly contributed to the ingratitude and egotism later shown by Avshalom.
And there you have it:
The lesser parent paired up with the better parent (who parents well, but still made a well-intended mistake with severe impact).
The Best Way to Deal with That Dynamic After the Results Come In
We should fix whatever we can after all is said and done, but more than that...well, what did David Hamelech do?
The great talmid chacham and tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender describes the stunning response of David Hamelech in Words of Faith, Volume II, page 321:
Dovid Hamelech, may he rest in peace, says in Tehillim, "A Song of David, when he fled from his son, Avshalom" (Psalm 3:1).
The Gemara asks, " 'A Song of David'?! It should be 'A Lamentation of David'!
The Gemara explains that he was running from his son, and in general, a son has mercy on his father. So he sang.
But the Zohar has what to say about this question:
Dovid Hamelech, may he rest in peace, was concerned about being caught for sins "there" — in the Next World.
When he saw that his son, Avshalom, wanted to kill him, he became filled with joy and based a song on it.
Despite the fact that his son had rebelled against him, which is the greatest problem.
But the main thing is that he was being reckoned with here and not there [in the Afterlife].
Automatically, he was sure that he would no longer be punished there.
He was so happy that his fear disappeared.
About this, it says, "A Song for David."
Therefore, when a person sees that a suffering comes upon him, God forbid, and he is going through a lot, he has to be happy to see clearly that they are cleansing him here.
And it is certainly better here than there!
When things go well without problems, there is a place to be concerned that they want to reckon with him there...
You try and fix what you can, make amends, after this wisdom granted by hindsight.
And other than that, you leave it up to Hashem.
As Judaism has noted for thousands of years, very good children have come from very bad parents and very bad children have come from very good parents.
Even with all your mistakes (despite your best intentions) and all the odds stacked against (over which you had little to no control), children can still turn out well.
If they didn't and you're suffering, well, there's a hidden yet beneficial reason for that.
(Also, please notice how despite the terrible suffering and shame Avshalom caused his father, David Hamelech still responded toward his son with compassion and encouraged others to do the same — even as David Hamelech also took protective measures for himself and his family against Avshalom.)
Dovid Hamelech encountered the same dynamic as you (albeit on a whole different level) and while some children turn into criminals, they probably haven't killed a sibling or fomented mass rebellion and hatred against their parents, nor tried to commit patricide.
We need to learn from David Hamelech to give it all back to Hashem.
Despite David Hamelech's lack of chastisement and Ma'achah's best yet not-up-to-par efforts, Avshalom could've turned out wonderfully.
But Hashem didn't want him to.
Hashem wanted David Hamelech to go through this particular nisayon.
And Hashem meant it as an atonement, so as to grant David Hamelech the best Olam Haba possible.
And this was all meant to be a lesson for us too.
Having said all the above, of course the Sincere Trier still wishes (and rightly so!) to discover practical methods for dealing with her exceptionally difficult situation and advice from a compassionate place.
So here's a list of advisors whom I don't know personally, but based on their writings, they very much seem to be people who can see each individual for who they are, can recognize dysfunctional situation and offer advice tailored for those specific hardships, while also seeing the Sincere Trier positively (despite his or her mistakes) and grant the Sincere Trier chizuk.
If they have newsletters, you can subscribe.
You can read their books and articles.
You can make an appointment with them.
I'm sure there are others, but this is who I know of and am fairly confident about.
(The rebbetzin I always sent people to can no longer do it, so I stopped sending people to her.)
Rabbi Shimon Gruen
Sarah Chana Radcliff (To sign up for daily parenting posts: scradcliffe.lpages.co/leads/)
Shiffy Friedman
Miriam Adahan
(As you many of you know, Miriam Adahan specializes in helping people living in impossible situations. She's written books about how to parent well in an impossible situation, with From Victim to Victor being her latest and most concise on the topic. I always encourage compassionate friends and family members to read that book, just to understand what the Sincere Trier is enduring and how to actually give her the support she needs.)
Hatzlacha rabbah!