Disclaimer: Most of the following concerns frum neighborhoods, although some of it can be applicable to secular or mixed neighborhoods. Feel free to add your own insights and things you wish you would have known when you first made aliyah as long as you remember this isn't a rant page, but a page meant to give helpful insight and advice.
If You Speak English, You are Now an American
Perhaps you have made aliyah from Canada. Or Scotland. Or New Zealand. Or South Africa. No matter. You are now American. Americans will generously embrace you as one of them. And no one else in Israel will be able to tell the difference. You speak English? You are American. Furthermore, you will have to exchange your vocabulary. Americans think that torches are big clubs whose thicker end is doused in fuel and lit on fire in order to illuminate one’s way in a cave, not flashlights.
(Personally, I find it wildly funny when a British child says, "The dentist stuck a torch in my mouth to check my teeth." Because you know what I'm imagining.)
In American English:
Don’t be a Snob
Of course you’re not a snob (pronounced snohb in Hebrew). Snobs don’t make aliyah.
However, many Anglos feel (at least subconsciously) that the world would be a better place if everyone else was more like them. Many new olim even say as they complain to whatever owner, “But this isn’t how it works in America!” (Israelis are never impressed by this statement, by the way.) But in Israel, you’re never better than anyone else. Even an elderly woman who never lived anywhere but Sa’ana and Rosh Ha’ayin, never learned to read in any language, and if she earned a parnassah it was by cleaning houses or sorting oranges, she does not feel inferior to you in any way. She knows that with all your education, nifty manners, and American living, you’re not better than her in any way.
And she’s right.
It’s middot that count. For Israelis, being trustworthy on all levels means more than anything.
Say Shalom
This is particularly important for females if you want a good relationship with your female neighbors.
It is very important to greet your neighbors – especially the Sephardi ones who’ve been ethnically snubbed enough times to make it difficult for them to give you the benefit of the doubt if you don’t greet them. If you are from one of those one or two communities in America where it is practically assur to greet someone unless you already know them, you need to prepare yourself accordingly before you make aliyah.
The least forgivable sin in Israel is to be a snohb. (Upper-class secular Ashkenazi Leftists are always snohbim, so normal Israelis have very negative associations with this quality.) Israeli women have asked me why their other American neighbors have been so unfriendly and cold, which perplexed me: Since when are Americans unfriendly and cold? (Answer: when they won’t greet their non-American neighbors in the stairwell.) Don’t be shy about greeting others of your same gender (and of every ethnicity, nationality, and religious background) as you pass each other in your apartment building’s stairwell. At worst, you’ll end up saying hi to your neighbor’s mother or client, making a nice kiddush Hashem.
(In the street, Israeli don’t generally greet people they don’t know, even on Shabbat, but a lot of Americans do this and it either confuses Israelis or they just figure it is a nice American quirk.)
Apartment Living
This is mostly about frum neighborhoods. Standards differ according to the economic level and the religious composition of the community. Many olim move into apartments, but have only ever lived in two-story homes with a front yard and a back yard and honestly don’t realize the noise factor of apartments.
So here’s the deal:
You might also be surprised how much people can hear when your windows are open. Sound travels especially well from your porch or yard. Depending on the acoustics, sometimes very slight noises in your yard can sound like they’re right outside your neighbors window three stories up. Enjoying a chat on your porch with your kindergartner at six in the morning can create problems for you.
Traditionally, Israeli law prohibits noise between the hours of 11PM and 7AM (8AM on Shabbat). Technically, you’re also not supposed to be noisy between 2PM-4PM, but a lot of frum neighborhoods are very lax about that – except on Shabbat. But newer laws have been enacted – see here.
Now, I know that Israeli neighbors can also be insensitive about the noise they make. Sometimes they just don’t care or sometimes the parents have fallen asleep or aren't home and their kids are running around the yard without their knowledge. Many times, there is also a general understanding that the occasional simcha that goes on until 1AM is okay. Sukkot is another period of noisy nights. (However, if you ask them to stop for the night and finish building their sukkah the next day, they usually will.)
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that people who suffer terribly from noisy neighbors are often very noisy themselves, but in a different way than their noisy neighbors. (I've been on both sides of this, I must confess.) I can’t help noticing time and again that people who suffer from their upstairs or next-door neighbors are almost always causing suffering to their downstairs (or next-door) neighbors. Yet as I said, it is often not the same type of noise.
For example, I knew a woman who suffered from incessant ball-bouncing from her upstairs neighbors. Yet she had loud arguments with her husband while they pounded on the table, let her kids jump on a bed whose headboard repeatedly slammed the wall, and yelled at her kids as she got them showered – all of which strung out the nerves of her downstairs neighbors (and anyway aren't terribly good middot on her part).
So if you run into problems, perhaps keep the middah-k’neged-middah idea in mind and hopefully that will resolve the issue.
American Smiles vs. Those of Everyone Else
With the exception of a couple of communities, the American custom is to smile big and wide, and to keep smiling (and even chuckling) throughout a conversation.
When someone doesn’t smile back with the same intensity, Americans unconsciously tend to lean forward and smile even harder. This looks weird to Israelis (and to Russians for that matter). In some cases, it can even seem like you’re laughing at them in a not nice way. Because of all the chuckling and grinning, Americans sometimes seem eccentric and not so smart.
On the other hand, some Israelis like this because it makes Americans seem so fun and laid-back (while still considering Americans to be a bit eccentric and not so smart). Most Israeli adjust to the “American Smile” as just a cultural quirk, much like a funny accent.
So take this one more as an FYI than anything critical. Just know that in Israeli society, it’s okay to not be “on” all the time. (I find that kind of a relief, personally.)
Changing Your Place Changes Your Mazal
Regardless of how many pilot trips you make and how much research you do, you may find that the community you so carefully chose doesn’t suit you after all.
This happens all the time.
Or, maybe it suited you for your first three years of aliyah, but now you’ve outgrown it – very, very common.
Personally, I’ve moved all over the place in Eretz Yisrael as either I or the original community has changed. And I know many others who have, too. And it’s totally subjective. What is great for one family is the pits for another.
For example, I love my current community. But when I met a family of recent baalei teshuvah from Wyoming, I thought, Uh-oh. As much as I love living in my neighborhood, this isn’t an ideal “transition” community for fresh-off-the-press BTs (including Israelis) or new olim – especially olim from a place where the closest kosher pizza was a 4-hour drive away. In short, they were going through stuff I’d never encountered in years of living in this community. They were getting criticized, couldn’t find a school suitable for their children’s needs (even though we have a million schools to chose from), and so on. It was only a matter of time before their discomfort and frustration would turn into hostility and bitterness against what was otherwise a fine community.
As much as I liked them, I encouraged them to find a more suitable community – which they eventually did. And there, they’re very happy. They live in a smaller home and the community hosts only one school for each gender (and that one school “happens” to be perfect for their children!), and the bus only comes every two hours, but they are all thriving and loving their life. I miss them, but I am happy for them.
Ultimately, you can’t (and shouldn’t) fight Hashem’s loving yet insistent prodding toward the direction that’s best for you.
Israelis aren’t Actually So Rude
Israelis are pragmatic and practical. Many actually care very much about not offending people and getting along with their neighbors.
And in my experience, the frummer the neighborhood, the more people care about good neighborly relationships (although nothing is certain because if Hashem decides you, chas v’shalom, need the nisayon of a difficult neighbor, well then....).
Frum neighborhoods also tend to offer better customer service in government offices and health clinics because they have (theoretically) a concept of the wrongness of “stealing time” or deceiving and living the same life you do, they understand the importance of efficiency and doing things right the first time. I have frequently seen how new olim unknowingly commit a social faux pas (called fashla in Hebrew/Arabic) and how the startled Israelis brush it off or try to pretend they didn’t notice. Or Israelis feel bad for the bumbling chutznik and try to help them (sometimes in the same soothing way people talk to those who are mentally challenged). Israelis (particularly frum women) often go out of their way to be speak nicely to people who seem very nice and maybe too aidel for a more abrasive style.
But like I said, Israelis are pragmatic. If they feel that the best way to handle you is to give you a piece of their mind or to command you or to threaten you or to do unto you whatever they think you are doing unto them just so you’ll realize how unpleasant it is and finally stop, then that is what they’ll do.
Their decision will be partly based on their experience with similar situations in their past and partly based on their personal impression of you. In such situations, it’s best to keep your composure, insist that you honestly had no bad intentions or were acting out of complete ignorance, and make a real effort to understand what the problem is. Maybe you are responsible to fix it – and maybe not.
Of Course He’s Good; He’s American! (Wrong, wrong, wrong)
I have not been cheated much in Israel, actually. But half the time I have, it has been by fellow Americans.
One of the rudest store owners I ever had to deal with was also American.
Having worked behind the counter in Israel, I can tell you that it is very stressful. A lot of Americans don’t handle it well and get bitter and impatient, including with fellow Americans. Furthermore, some Americans aren’t very good at their profession (whether it’s computers or plumbing), but keep getting recommended to Americans by Americans because they’re, well, American.
Now, if you choose to give your money to a hired guy as a type of dignity-preserving tzedaka, then that is fine and praiseworthy. But if you actually need something done right, your heart will ache at the double inconvenience and double money lost, not to mention your resentment toward your American friend who, when asked if the guy was actually good, gave you a shocked look and exclaimed, “He’s American!”
As if that actually means something.
Now, it could well be that the best electrician in the city is indeed American. Fine. But in general, you should ask your Israeli neighbors for recommendations. You can stress that you need someone very honest because you don’t know Hebrew well enough to negotiate and that you need someone very good because you are not otherwise able to function under the desperate circumstances. (You should stress this in case they decide to recommend their brother in order to help him out.) Your Israeli neighbors will usually be very understanding and genuinely try to help you.
Or you can ask an American neighbor who has a good head for this sort of thing. (I have an American friend like that.)
For Females: NEVER Sit in the Front Seat Next to the Taxi Driver - Or ANY Hired Driver!!!
Sitting in the front seat gives a message you don’t want to give. If he is a decent guy, he will feel very uncomfortable and creeped out about your intentions. If he is an opportunist, he will respond undesirably. Either speak to the driver through the window and then get in the back seat, or open the front door to speak, then close it and get in the back seat.
If You Speak English, You are Now an American
Perhaps you have made aliyah from Canada. Or Scotland. Or New Zealand. Or South Africa. No matter. You are now American. Americans will generously embrace you as one of them. And no one else in Israel will be able to tell the difference. You speak English? You are American. Furthermore, you will have to exchange your vocabulary. Americans think that torches are big clubs whose thicker end is doused in fuel and lit on fire in order to illuminate one’s way in a cave, not flashlights.
(Personally, I find it wildly funny when a British child says, "The dentist stuck a torch in my mouth to check my teeth." Because you know what I'm imagining.)
In American English:
- Jumpers are pinafores, not sweaters.
- Vests are waistcoats, not undershirts.
- Dummies are knuckleheads, not pacifiers.
- Queues are Qs or “cues,” not lines in which to wait.
Don’t be a Snob
Of course you’re not a snob (pronounced snohb in Hebrew). Snobs don’t make aliyah.
However, many Anglos feel (at least subconsciously) that the world would be a better place if everyone else was more like them. Many new olim even say as they complain to whatever owner, “But this isn’t how it works in America!” (Israelis are never impressed by this statement, by the way.) But in Israel, you’re never better than anyone else. Even an elderly woman who never lived anywhere but Sa’ana and Rosh Ha’ayin, never learned to read in any language, and if she earned a parnassah it was by cleaning houses or sorting oranges, she does not feel inferior to you in any way. She knows that with all your education, nifty manners, and American living, you’re not better than her in any way.
And she’s right.
It’s middot that count. For Israelis, being trustworthy on all levels means more than anything.
Say Shalom
This is particularly important for females if you want a good relationship with your female neighbors.
It is very important to greet your neighbors – especially the Sephardi ones who’ve been ethnically snubbed enough times to make it difficult for them to give you the benefit of the doubt if you don’t greet them. If you are from one of those one or two communities in America where it is practically assur to greet someone unless you already know them, you need to prepare yourself accordingly before you make aliyah.
The least forgivable sin in Israel is to be a snohb. (Upper-class secular Ashkenazi Leftists are always snohbim, so normal Israelis have very negative associations with this quality.) Israeli women have asked me why their other American neighbors have been so unfriendly and cold, which perplexed me: Since when are Americans unfriendly and cold? (Answer: when they won’t greet their non-American neighbors in the stairwell.) Don’t be shy about greeting others of your same gender (and of every ethnicity, nationality, and religious background) as you pass each other in your apartment building’s stairwell. At worst, you’ll end up saying hi to your neighbor’s mother or client, making a nice kiddush Hashem.
(In the street, Israeli don’t generally greet people they don’t know, even on Shabbat, but a lot of Americans do this and it either confuses Israelis or they just figure it is a nice American quirk.)
Apartment Living
This is mostly about frum neighborhoods. Standards differ according to the economic level and the religious composition of the community. Many olim move into apartments, but have only ever lived in two-story homes with a front yard and a back yard and honestly don’t realize the noise factor of apartments.
So here’s the deal:
- High heels
- marbles
- jumping children
- toddler-sized riding cars
- bouncing balls
- dragging chairs
- kicking the bars on the windows or around the porch
- and loud arguments...
You might also be surprised how much people can hear when your windows are open. Sound travels especially well from your porch or yard. Depending on the acoustics, sometimes very slight noises in your yard can sound like they’re right outside your neighbors window three stories up. Enjoying a chat on your porch with your kindergartner at six in the morning can create problems for you.
Traditionally, Israeli law prohibits noise between the hours of 11PM and 7AM (8AM on Shabbat). Technically, you’re also not supposed to be noisy between 2PM-4PM, but a lot of frum neighborhoods are very lax about that – except on Shabbat. But newer laws have been enacted – see here.
Now, I know that Israeli neighbors can also be insensitive about the noise they make. Sometimes they just don’t care or sometimes the parents have fallen asleep or aren't home and their kids are running around the yard without their knowledge. Many times, there is also a general understanding that the occasional simcha that goes on until 1AM is okay. Sukkot is another period of noisy nights. (However, if you ask them to stop for the night and finish building their sukkah the next day, they usually will.)
Interestingly, I’ve noticed that people who suffer terribly from noisy neighbors are often very noisy themselves, but in a different way than their noisy neighbors. (I've been on both sides of this, I must confess.) I can’t help noticing time and again that people who suffer from their upstairs or next-door neighbors are almost always causing suffering to their downstairs (or next-door) neighbors. Yet as I said, it is often not the same type of noise.
For example, I knew a woman who suffered from incessant ball-bouncing from her upstairs neighbors. Yet she had loud arguments with her husband while they pounded on the table, let her kids jump on a bed whose headboard repeatedly slammed the wall, and yelled at her kids as she got them showered – all of which strung out the nerves of her downstairs neighbors (and anyway aren't terribly good middot on her part).
So if you run into problems, perhaps keep the middah-k’neged-middah idea in mind and hopefully that will resolve the issue.
American Smiles vs. Those of Everyone Else
With the exception of a couple of communities, the American custom is to smile big and wide, and to keep smiling (and even chuckling) throughout a conversation.
When someone doesn’t smile back with the same intensity, Americans unconsciously tend to lean forward and smile even harder. This looks weird to Israelis (and to Russians for that matter). In some cases, it can even seem like you’re laughing at them in a not nice way. Because of all the chuckling and grinning, Americans sometimes seem eccentric and not so smart.
On the other hand, some Israelis like this because it makes Americans seem so fun and laid-back (while still considering Americans to be a bit eccentric and not so smart). Most Israeli adjust to the “American Smile” as just a cultural quirk, much like a funny accent.
So take this one more as an FYI than anything critical. Just know that in Israeli society, it’s okay to not be “on” all the time. (I find that kind of a relief, personally.)
Changing Your Place Changes Your Mazal
Regardless of how many pilot trips you make and how much research you do, you may find that the community you so carefully chose doesn’t suit you after all.
This happens all the time.
Or, maybe it suited you for your first three years of aliyah, but now you’ve outgrown it – very, very common.
Personally, I’ve moved all over the place in Eretz Yisrael as either I or the original community has changed. And I know many others who have, too. And it’s totally subjective. What is great for one family is the pits for another.
For example, I love my current community. But when I met a family of recent baalei teshuvah from Wyoming, I thought, Uh-oh. As much as I love living in my neighborhood, this isn’t an ideal “transition” community for fresh-off-the-press BTs (including Israelis) or new olim – especially olim from a place where the closest kosher pizza was a 4-hour drive away. In short, they were going through stuff I’d never encountered in years of living in this community. They were getting criticized, couldn’t find a school suitable for their children’s needs (even though we have a million schools to chose from), and so on. It was only a matter of time before their discomfort and frustration would turn into hostility and bitterness against what was otherwise a fine community.
As much as I liked them, I encouraged them to find a more suitable community – which they eventually did. And there, they’re very happy. They live in a smaller home and the community hosts only one school for each gender (and that one school “happens” to be perfect for their children!), and the bus only comes every two hours, but they are all thriving and loving their life. I miss them, but I am happy for them.
Ultimately, you can’t (and shouldn’t) fight Hashem’s loving yet insistent prodding toward the direction that’s best for you.
Israelis aren’t Actually So Rude
Israelis are pragmatic and practical. Many actually care very much about not offending people and getting along with their neighbors.
And in my experience, the frummer the neighborhood, the more people care about good neighborly relationships (although nothing is certain because if Hashem decides you, chas v’shalom, need the nisayon of a difficult neighbor, well then....).
Frum neighborhoods also tend to offer better customer service in government offices and health clinics because they have (theoretically) a concept of the wrongness of “stealing time” or deceiving and living the same life you do, they understand the importance of efficiency and doing things right the first time. I have frequently seen how new olim unknowingly commit a social faux pas (called fashla in Hebrew/Arabic) and how the startled Israelis brush it off or try to pretend they didn’t notice. Or Israelis feel bad for the bumbling chutznik and try to help them (sometimes in the same soothing way people talk to those who are mentally challenged). Israelis (particularly frum women) often go out of their way to be speak nicely to people who seem very nice and maybe too aidel for a more abrasive style.
But like I said, Israelis are pragmatic. If they feel that the best way to handle you is to give you a piece of their mind or to command you or to threaten you or to do unto you whatever they think you are doing unto them just so you’ll realize how unpleasant it is and finally stop, then that is what they’ll do.
Their decision will be partly based on their experience with similar situations in their past and partly based on their personal impression of you. In such situations, it’s best to keep your composure, insist that you honestly had no bad intentions or were acting out of complete ignorance, and make a real effort to understand what the problem is. Maybe you are responsible to fix it – and maybe not.
Of Course He’s Good; He’s American! (Wrong, wrong, wrong)
I have not been cheated much in Israel, actually. But half the time I have, it has been by fellow Americans.
One of the rudest store owners I ever had to deal with was also American.
Having worked behind the counter in Israel, I can tell you that it is very stressful. A lot of Americans don’t handle it well and get bitter and impatient, including with fellow Americans. Furthermore, some Americans aren’t very good at their profession (whether it’s computers or plumbing), but keep getting recommended to Americans by Americans because they’re, well, American.
Now, if you choose to give your money to a hired guy as a type of dignity-preserving tzedaka, then that is fine and praiseworthy. But if you actually need something done right, your heart will ache at the double inconvenience and double money lost, not to mention your resentment toward your American friend who, when asked if the guy was actually good, gave you a shocked look and exclaimed, “He’s American!”
As if that actually means something.
Now, it could well be that the best electrician in the city is indeed American. Fine. But in general, you should ask your Israeli neighbors for recommendations. You can stress that you need someone very honest because you don’t know Hebrew well enough to negotiate and that you need someone very good because you are not otherwise able to function under the desperate circumstances. (You should stress this in case they decide to recommend their brother in order to help him out.) Your Israeli neighbors will usually be very understanding and genuinely try to help you.
Or you can ask an American neighbor who has a good head for this sort of thing. (I have an American friend like that.)
For Females: NEVER Sit in the Front Seat Next to the Taxi Driver - Or ANY Hired Driver!!!
Sitting in the front seat gives a message you don’t want to give. If he is a decent guy, he will feel very uncomfortable and creeped out about your intentions. If he is an opportunist, he will respond undesirably. Either speak to the driver through the window and then get in the back seat, or open the front door to speak, then close it and get in the back seat.