Adding Merits for the Sick Person: Tefillah, Mitzvot, and Maasim Tovim
- Don’t we daven for them?
- Doesn’t that person daven for him- or herself?
- Don’t we organize bracha parties, Tehillim groups, and learning seders for them?
- Don’t we take on mitzvot in their merit to facilitate a speedy healing?
- And doesn’t the sick person take on extra mitzvoth themselves (according to their ability)?: extra vigilance regarding lashon hara, extra acts of chessed, 40 women taking challah dedicated to the merit of a person in need, lighting Shabbat candles earlier
And finally, what is the big, huge mitzvah that Judaism insists a sick (or any suffering person) perform?
Cheshbon hanefesh. L’pashpesh b’maasav.
A thorough self-accounting. Scrutinizing one’s behaviors and deeds.
When is a mentally ill person ever encouraged to do this?
Hardly ever.
And don’t think it’s because they can’t.
Oh, sure, maybe there are short windows when a mentally ill person is truly mentally incapable of cheshbon hanefesh.
But most are more capable than others give them credit for.
Furthermore, someone on medication should theoretically be able to carry out a cheshbon hanefesh. I mean, they're supposed to be mentally competent now, right?
In fact, it’s been very surprising to me to realize that seemingly frum people do not use their medicated state for spiritual growth.
(Some do, by the way. However, this is unfortunately not encouraged in society.)
For example, many people on Ritalin do not seem to be able to daven with more kavanah, nor do they seem to make an effort to.
People on Prozac or Lithium or Xanax do not take that opportunity for cheshbon hanefesh or being more sensitive to others, although you’d think that would be an ideal opportunity because you can finally take a good, honest look at yourself, your life, and others without getting depressed or anxious! (Theoretically, anyway.)
The Common Side Effects Everyone Sees, But Few Acknowledge
Cheerfully & solidly under the influence of the psychiatrist-encouraged simplistic view of mental illness as something that just needs a pill and bibbity-bobbity-boo — the rag-wearing Cinderella becomes a delectable princess fit to wed the prince! — the rebbetzin happily gave my friend the number of a psychiatrist, warmly reassuring my friend she had nothing to be ashamed of, and that depression was just like a physical illness and should be treated as such.
(Which is true, but as this post has shown, that’s not how we treat physical illness either.)
That was 13 years ago. And my friend is still taking the medication.
She always enthused about how great she felt on anti-depressants, but I sure didn’t feel great about her behavior on antidepressants.
In fact, we haven’t spoken in years because she could not stop relating to me as if I was a crazy person who only had bad motivations for anything I did. Seriously.
And it got increasingly worse.
Eventually, even the shortest conversation included some kind of nasty passive-aggressive barb from her.
Now, I’m the first to admit that I’m not perfect, but I honestly don’t see myself as crazy or evil, either.
And even if I was crazy or evil, treating me that way and constantly attacking me would not make me sane or good. That’s just not the way things work.
Initially, I had no idea her behavior was actually an extremely common side effect of Prozac.
It’s called “emotional blunting.” Personally, I would love it if people would be really open about if they’re taking Prozac because then I would know to avoid them before getting verbally assaulted. Or worse. She's not the only Prozac-taker to behave this way, in my experience. Maybe Prozac can come with a mouth-zipper inserted in the package that can be remotely controlled by potential victims.
Having said that & sarcasm aside, I'm sure some Prozac-takers DO watch their middot carefully and avoid acting this way.
Gently correcting her (remember, she has a tendency toward depression, right? So I want to be gentle and not make her suicidal) didn’t work. Ever. She just seemed amused and hinted that any hurt feelings on my part were a sign that I needed medication, too. (This attitude is similar to Mrs. Gold's in the example in Part 2.)
How convenient! If you medicate your victims, you can indulge in a verbally abusive free-for-all with no repercussions!
One of the last straws actually had nothing to do with me, but with her maternal attitude.
She accidentally revealed she could not find any positive character traits in any of her children except her youngest — and in that child, she only found one positive attribute.
But regarding the others, she found nothing good to say about their personalities.
“If I say that one daughter is really good in math and that the other has got beautiful auburn hair or that my son has the most gorgeous shade of green eyes, does that count?” she asked. “Or does it have to be a character attribute?”
“Um, look,” I said. “If you’re struggling, physical attributes are a good place to start, but you really need…I mean…your children do have great personality traits, so…I think you’ll be happier and see improvements in their behavior if you could just take a few minutes to sit down and think of some of the positive character traits you see in them. Can you maybe remember positive stuff you saw in them when they were, like, 2-years-old?”
“Well,” she said. “Right now, one of my daughters is pretty good with young children.”
“Great!” I said.
“But that’s just because she’s so immature herself, she can relate to them on their level.”
“It doesn’t matter why,” I said. “Only tzaddikim have totally pure motivations for their good qualities. And anyway, everything has its positive and negative side. I’m sure that when your daughter matures, she’ll still be good with young children.”
Then, with no warning, she suddenly said good-bye and hung up.
But why couldn't she tolerate the discussion any longer?
Isn't Prozac supposed to alleviate anxiety and emotional discomfort?
Shouldn't it make a person feel and act normal?
Why, she should have been able to handle this discomfiting conversation with chemically induced aplomb!
And why did she have such a hopeless, negative, and depressing outlook of her children's attributes?
After all, she was taking an ANTI-depressant. Yet her nasty barbs toward me and her wholly negative view of her children's personalities seem, well, depressing.
Needless to say, a parent can be having a very hard time with a child and view the child very negatively.
However, the vast majority of parents I know still see positive potential in even their most difficult child.
Innate traits can be seen even in babies, so even if the child isn’t acting out their best self, the normal parents still know it’s there.
Again, even when dealing with a very difficult child, normal parents are still aware of that child's core positive attributes (even if those attributes are currently overshadowed by the child's difficult behavior).
Obviously, this mother is still very depressed and despairing, but she just doesn’t feel it.
She lacks the awareness that actually experiencing her emotions would give her.
Another time, I made this mistake of confiding in this same friend an incident of public humiliation.
At the time, I did not know that, in addition to emotional blunting, mania and euphoria are also common side effects of Prozac.
So she responded with:
“WELL, IT’S YOOOOOOOUR FAULT! It is! It’s all your fault!”
I cringed and grimaced. (Remember, I was already feeling humiliated.)
And it wasn’t even my fault, darn it. Both her behavior and her reasoning were wrong.
I tried to stammar out a defense. Her response, in addition to making me feel even more humiliated, hit me out of left field. Because the situation was not my fault; I was not the cause, it never occurred to me she might see it that way.
And she interrupted my stammering by gleeful shouts of how it was all my fault and I shouldn't even try to deny it.
Ah, well. At least I got some atonement and spiritual cleansing from that.
Much later, I read the words of a man on Prozac who, in the middle of a phone call with an important client at work, suddenly became manic and spoke so offensively to the client, he got fired.
Later, he tried apologizing and explaining to his boss what happened, vowing to never allow it to happen and again, and he also apologized to the client, but his boss refused to rehire him.
The man said he learned his lesson and found other ways to deal with his depressive symptoms. But gosh, what a hard & humiliating way to learn that lesson!
Meds aren't a Substitute for Mussar
But unfortunately, a very anti-Torah attitude has crept into the frum community's attitude toward mental illness: Just take this pill & keep on going!
Let's Give a Shout-Out to the People on Psychiatric Medication Who DO Work on Themselves Spiritually & Emotionally
They endure very difficult situations, both mentally and physically, plus they have the psychiatric world telling them they don't need to do anything more than take medication, yet they insist on behaving according to the Torah view.
I have tremendous respect and admiration for them.
Continue on to Part 6 |